Define Being Seen

Kaili goes into what it mean to see and be seen. Compassion is broad topic so we'll be focusing on seeing ourselves and others in this episode. 

Transcript

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Kaili: Hello everyone. And welcome to Define today. We are going to do we talk about being Seen now, as I started working now on this post, the original title was defined Compassion. But if you listen to the Define Christi episode, you know, that she mentioned being Seen and by extension seeing others as her main goal, multiple times, yes, this is a big, a critical part of Compassion. You can really have compassion for someone unless you can see them. But the same true to her main message. 

I'll be focusing on being seen and seeing others. And if this kind of a message resonates with you, I highly recommend going and following her. This is what she is about. It is helping you see yourself and helping you to see others. Now, one of the quotes are in, into our researching this I wanna lead with. Cause you know, I love my quotes is quote, see the light in others and treat them as if that is all good. Do you see at the end of a quote by dr. Wayne Dyer and I love it seeing others as a crucial part of being of the being Seen concept, but you know, if you listen to Christie's episode, you know, you can't see others. 

Well, if you don't see yourself first, so let's dive in how to see yourself. Now, Christie did a great job explaining how she saw herself after 12 years of striving for perfection as a whole, my fellow with a fellow perfectionist complex people. No, what I'm talking about, it's hard. It's all consuming. It's very draining and I love how she expressed her struggle with it. And she, it just does this so well again, and I'm going to say it like 10 words, go listen to our episode. She just, her energy about it is so captivating and really drives the point home. 

But I'll do my best to cut the energy of what she has to cover the energy of what she expressed here. It's interesting to see how that meshes and to the last three episodes. And in order to be able to see, be yourself, you need to be self-aware trust on what you're seeing and accept who you are. I love seeing these things work together. If you haven't turned in those up. So as a post, here's a quick exercise that Kristy recommends to get started on seeing yourself, Oh, look in a mirror for a real look at the mirror, take out a notebook and write what you see. 

Now I have to, I need to clarify the, so someone who has had a traumatic experience with looking at my self and talking to myself in the mirror, it's a horrible story for another time. This is not meant to be a beat myself up exercise, going on to a mental space where you can see yourself clearly. And with that kindness, and then do this exercise, especially if this has been difficult to do in the past, if you need some time, it helped with that. I have someone stand by you and list the things they see. Yeah. Again, if the person that you think, Oh, maybe this person can help me. 

If they are normally a jerk to you. I mean, we wouldn't have them do this with you just right. What you see about yourself and your life, right? Then now she, she expressed to look in the mirror thing in a chorus because I've gone through my own, looking in the mirror and yeah, my self up phase, I just really want to clarify, this is not meant to be a beat yourself up, be kind, be kind to yourself, get in a kind mental space. You should be able to, if you don't like what you see again, not in a beat up way, a genuine, I need to shift way, write down what and why. 

And one of the things that came to mind when she weird, the look in the mirror technique is about a month ago. And I didn't do the mirror exercise because I have genuinely a PTSD with mirrors, another story for another time. But that months ago I got a awesome job. One that I've been trying to get and hoping to get two or three years from now, it wasn't as a huge opportunity. I'm incredibly grateful to have it. It's incredible. And I clarifying this, not, not just because I'm worried that some of my fellow employees will listen to this, but this, this is a good thing. 

And so this goes to show not it doesn't just have to be bad things that make you look at your life and go, Hmm, am I a N it can be a great things too. And something was off. I got this job, I signed it. I get my two weeks. And then it wasn't that a felt wrong. I just felt weird. I'm a really ambitious person, especially at work. And I final is moving forward on a huge, huge step in my life. And I just felt all my motivation disappear. 

Like I'm very driven and I'm very motivated more my work spear than probably any other spheres of my life. And it just felt it completely goes away. Bizarre. Not that I suddenly stopped working or anything. Like I could still do stuff, but it was, it wasn't, it wasn't that same energy. So I took some time to figure it out and what it was with a sudden decrease in my drive. And as I think thought about it, because again, this was a huge one. I didn't feel bad about the decision to accept this job and still don't. 

I know my excitements come back, but I realized I had been living my life as if my purpose was my work success. And this is still a part of who I am. But since I had hit, what I thought was kind of an ultimate goal of this independence and this shift in my career and what it is I assume to increase my drive further, I actually felt deflated because now I had what In for years, for years thought I'd always wanted it. I realized it. 

Wasn't all I wanted. So what was I supposed to do? So again, for taking some time to figure out what the heck had been going on, I realized I fell off because although I had accomplished something huge, I could finally like somehow hitting that meant my brother brain and my heart had permission to look at the other stuff I have been. So hyper-focused on this one part of my life. I kind of, not that I ignored the other aspects. It just wasn't as high on my list. Right. 

I felt off the cuff because although I accomplished something huge, I could finally allow myself to realize that I have been neglecting the other aspects of my life. And again, not that it was some horrible mom or hadn't been trying to date or anything like that. It just, it was not as high of a priority. It wasn't as such a specific goal and such a motivator for me to get up. So I, I realized I hadn't made any goals. Ramping, a mom are getting married again. After taking the time to understand why I was off. I was able to make goals for the kind of mom I wanna be and what kind of marriage I want and what kind of a spouse I want, and a much more intentional and thoughtful way. 

And I felt way better, more balanced since then. So not only has my drive come back for work, but I've just felt more. Even now, it hasn't been hyper-focused on OneSphere in my life. I've finally been able to turn attention to other things. And honestly, one of those things is this podcast I've been so consumed with myself and I've isolated myself a lot. So that might right. Of course. And part of that was good. And I'm grateful because I got close to my family has been close to my kids, but I also know a part of that was a defense mechanism. So doing this podcast and trying to turn to other people and understand that it's not just about protecting myself, is about learning to be vulnerable again, and helping myself do that by helping others have a safe space to do that. 

In, that was kind of a thing heard of it. So all of a sudden, and all this energy has focused on work. That would be gone by the time I got home. I can now shift throughout the day with my kids more than anyone else also with this and with dating, because now I know there's more to life than work, and you've always known that, but I haven't felt it. So that's, it kind of was interesting shift for me. Thanks for dealing with my random tangent. And it just hit me really hard, but my point is take the time to see yourself. And even if you look in the mirror and like, everything's fine, nothing's bad. 

You're, you're good. But you're just like, what about your life then? Okay, well, what do I need to do to bring some spark back? That's the point the mirror exercise. And if we don't do it for him and me, we are, although I I'll go with Christie, go for it. But even if it's just as taking some time to truly think and understand who you are and where you were at and why you are feeling off in certain ways, or if you're not feeling off, just take the time, take the time to check in with yourself in a very intentional way and see where some of the, some stuff needs to balance back out. 

Okay. Now, now that you've done in this sense, you know, clearly you pushed pause and went and meditated for an hour at this and saw the light. Now we're going to see how to see others. Now I've found a lot of fairly practical advice on how to see others, you know, give compliments, share your thoughts are all great things, right? These are, these are the things we're taught kids. Go share, ask how they're doing it. Right. Okay. And an interesting thing I found, because again, I told you last time I love seeing studies have shown. 

And then one of the things I found is that we actually have and are born with it. This is verified by multiple, multiple studies around the world, Europe, Asia, South America, United States. It's really cool. We actually are born with the Compassion in-state. We are born with the desire to help others for no other reason than to ease someone else's suffering. And I love that, you know, like it kinda goes like our people, well, inherently good are people inherently evil, which is a super fun debate. And if you want to debate that, I'll be here all day on either side, because it was, is, and we have evidence on both sides, but this idea of a Compassion instinct, like we get really caught. 

You can get really caught up in yourself. I've been more than guilty of this, where it's all about me. And I've had a hard time snapping out of it, but it's very good comforting for me to know that there's a Compassion instinct. Now we're all born with it. So even, even if I have lost track of it or forgotten it, I can tap back into it and get something that's inherently there. So anyways, there is a practice vice. We have the compassionate instinct, but Christie actually hit the nail on her head on the head in her interview. 

When I asked this question, she said, she set an intention every morning to be able to see others. If we ask them or the ability to see others will be on the lookout for opportunities to do so after that, it's just a habit. So honestly, the best way to help see other people is be intentional about seeing other people. And we all know this, you know, whether you've prayed for something or you've just thought, okay, you know what? I'm going to focus on this. Now, all of the sudden you see it everywhere. It's like, it's like, all right, parents bought a white suburban when I was a teenager. 

And then all of a sudden, once we bought it, that's a suburban. We saw them all over the place. We didn't notice them before. And then all of that, then we had one and we were like, Holy crap. We're like one of a thousand on the freeway right now. You know? So honestly, I think what's the best way to just get going is okay. I see you want to see others. I want to feel love for others. And the second we start looking for it. And again, I think this is a critical part is seeing yourself once you know what that feels like. 

You can see it everywhere and you can help others see it when they're struggling. So anyways, what has helped you be able to see yourself more clearly? What is it like? Do you see others? If I'm missing something obvious? I want to, along to engineer, I apologize. But if you have something came to mind, that is glaringly obvious that I missed, let me know, reach out and let me know if there is something that you need, there's a trait or a topic that you are really hoping gets addressed. 

That that will help you. You don't want to start. I have to know anyone I've been asking for nominations, but you don't necessarily have know anyone. If there's something that you feel like you need, there's a trait that you want to learn more about for you. Please let me know, reach out. Kaili speaks.com/podcast. Let me know. No. And if there is something that you need, I will go find someone for you so we could interview them. And so we can dive into the tray because we all need something. And if I can help you get what you need, then fan-freaking-tastic. 

And I hope everyone, we just do it. Okay. I think all of us are trying to get a little better and finish up this year. And hopefully the new year will be a good, fresh start for us. And if it's not that's okay, we'll figure it out together. That's I think that's really the point in my mind of what 2020 has become is we're all just trying to learn how to figure this out together. We're trying, I learned how to love each other. We're trying to learn how to understand each other in a deeper way, in a lot of stuff globally, you know, nationwide, what have you as try to intervene with that. 

But I've been very overwhelmed with how much love I've seen from so many people in so many trials and challenges that people have gone through and I hope to continue seeing it. And if there's any way I can help, let me know. I help everyone has a really great day. And I can't wait for you guys to tune in to the next interview with this. This is our first nominated interview. That is our next episode. And I can't wait for you to hear it. It was awesome. Awesome. Anyways, have a great night and I hope you're all doing well.